Marriage: living and loving together in Christ

Just because my wife and I have been married for 16 years doesn’t make me an expert on marriage. I’m sure my wife will testify to that. It is true, however, that I have learned a thing or two. I don’t presume to suggest that I have a world view or that my views apply to anyone’s marriage other than my own.

One thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t be callous and domineering. I once suggested to a group of people there is only one thing in the world that I expect of my wife – that she keeps the bed made. A woman remarked from the group, “Why can’t you make the bed?” Gee, I said, I didn’t think it was too much to expect only one thing.

Of course, I was simply trying a little humor – that I was clinging to a last strand of chauvinism among the millions and billions of things involved in a marriage. It was a poor joke.

Even though I’m writing this from my perspective, I “feel” my wife’s attitudes and ideas and perspectives. For the record, my wife makes the bed if she feels like it. Far be it from me to tell her what to do. That becomes particularly significant in matters of faith.

I know that Lizzie needs to be free to be who she is in Jesus Christ, just as I do. He made us one and we are as one, but we are not one and the same. I’m what you might call lockstep wishy-washy, for example, and demand the freedom to be so. Elizabeth, however, has a tendency to regard matters with more conviction. I take a broader view, she a more detailed approach. She accepts people as they are, whereas I accept people as I think they ought to be.

Elizabeth needs freedom to go places and do things, particularly as she seeks the Lord, even if I believe she’s dead wrong. That does not mean that I cannot voice my opinion, that I cannot share deeply and intimately my own faith and feelings. However, I cannot tell her what kind of relationship to have with God. It is her relationship with Him. In the last analysis, we both worship the same God the Father, in Jesus Christ, together with the Holy Spirit.

If God wants my wife to make widgets or to associate with people who, uh, don’t always see things the way I do, then who am I to judge? I’m confident we are in agreement that God loves all His people.

Another thing I have learned is that I shouldn’t be selfish. I am decidedly selfish, but only in letting go of my laziness and preferences and pride do I find real peace.

One thing my wife won’t let me do is be patronizing or false. She has a highly developed awareness of the dishonest. I can’t say “It’s OK if you go there” if I don’t genuinely think that. She’ll catch it like a frog catching a bug. No, she wants the dignity of my honesty with her, not the indignity of my pseudo-complicity only to find out later I was really opposed.

Even if I am opposed to some of the things Elizabeth does, that doesn’t mean that I’m right and she’s wrong. Just the same, it is incumbent upon me to be honest about it and respectful of her freedom as a child of God. I ain’t saying I’m good at it, either. I just know it to be true, that’s all.

We Catholics share a common faith. That does not mean, however, that we do not have different talents, different gifts, different inclinations as we seek to know God and His will in our lives. Differences occur in our faith community and in marriages, too. God knows they do in mine. – T.R.

written by Thomas A. Russell
first published in the Lafayette Sunday Visitor on January 18th, 1987